Let me start by making a confession...
I am not a beach goer. Nothing about the beach appeals to me. Yes, I said it. I do not like the beach.
I know many of you LOVE the beach, but I am of the opinion that lacerating my feet on the broken remains of crustaceans on my way to spend my day sweating, while sitting in loose dirt that goes EVERYWHERE, breathing deep the putrid scent of salty decaying fish and seaweed, and cooling off in the world's largest repository for waste and urine isn't really the definition of fun...or relaxing...or enjoyable in any way. In truth, I find it disgusting and gross.
Additionally, I tend to be a conservative dresser. (I hate knees and shoulders showing. Not on you, on me. Well, maybe on you, it depends on your knees and shoulders.) Beachwear is simply not compatible with my "No knees. No shoulders" matra. Last time I went to the beach I wore my bathing suit...and over that I wore black leopard print leggings, and over that I wore a dress style bathing suit cover and a floppy wide brimmed hat (cause after 20 minutes in direct sunlight, this ivory skin looks like a lobster.)
I know what you're thinking, "Why do you go if you hate it so much?" First, I didn't hate it as a child. (I was young and stupid in my youth). Second, how am I going to know I hate it if I don't try it? (I can literally hear you laughing at that. That's a joke. Ya'll know I don't try to new things.). No, here's the real reason: KIDS. That right, I suffered the misery of the beach for my son. (This, my face, is the face of sacrifice. #grandmastermommy. That's another joke).
So we took Colver to the beach, because what kind of parents would we be if we didn't, right? AND. HE LOVED IT! He loved everything about it. Beach! Checkmark! Done! #ParentVacationBosses
David, the hubs, isn't a beach fan either. His dislike however isn't on the same "deep seeded hatred" level as mine, but I am confident when I say, "There are oh so many places David would rather go." SO, we made a conscious and deliberate decision that we would not spend the majority of our family vacations at the beach, but instead would plan trips that would show our children different parts of our vast nation and it's rich history. #ParentVacationBosses...again!
Last summer we went to my brother's home in Omaha, NE, where we visited with family and were able to see/visit/learn about...some fort, Fort Somenuther Something, and Lewis and Clark and their importance in American History. I think David and I were the only ones who cared about that part...okay, maybe just David. We visited the Strategic Air Command museum (I hated that. It was really boring. For some reason (David), we have to look at airplanes on every vacation we go on. When we went to the beach we went to TWO airplane museums, one of them was a museum for airplane ammunition!! I can't make this stuff people). We saw buffalo and elk in their natural habitat. AND Colver got to see his cousins! It was a success! #ParentVacationBosses
We had such a great time we, my sister in law and myself, decided we should take our vacation together the next summer. And after some discussion it was settled...a week of camping in South Dakota! Honestly, there was probably a lot of wine involved in that discussion because there is no other way you would get me to agree to go camping for a week.
David and I were thrilled and a little proud of ourselves. THIS vacay (that SD one) was going to be epic! The wild west city of Deadwood. The Badlands. The natural rock formations. Mount Rushmore! Way better than the lame beach! #ParentVacationBosses
It was a Saturday and I was helping Colver clean his room (By "helping" I mean I was cleaning it. Colver's inability to clean his room is an whole other story). As I cleaned out from under his bed I found many treasures. An old cup of spoiled something...trash. A balled up dirty sock...laundry...with a sucker stuck to it...scratch that, trash. Empty candy wrapper. Dirty bowl. Dirty underwear. Trash. Sink. Laundry. Deflated beach ball. Where did this...When was the last time...How did Colver get...Beach ball? Bewildered I studied it. It was a typical ball beach; nothing set it aside from the standard beach ball recognized by all of pop culture as a symbol of carefree summer fun. Except, this beach ball had a hole, and another, and another....this beach ball was covered in holes...this beach ball had been stabbed! Over and over again! BEACH BALL MURDER!!! And all evidence pointed to Colver, but why would he kill a sweet innocent beach ball who had been through so many fun times with him in his kiddie pool? Visions of serial killers danced in my head.
"COLVER!" I confronted him immediately, determined to save him from a life behind bars. David was pretty pissed too (but it didn't show because he was too busy laughing at my irrational condemnation and simultaneous pleading that Colver leave the dark side and use his powers for good). My lecture was done. Colver's eyes filled up with tears. Now it was his turn, a chance to redeem and justify himself.
"I killed it because I don't need it. I never get to go to the beach!"
"THE BEACH!" my internal voice growled through my internal clinched teeth. All of this planning to make a great interesting fun NOT beach vacation and he wants to go to the beach! #parentfail
I would like to say what followed was like a scene from Full House where David and I lovingly explain why his actions are wrong but then also learn a lesson ourselves about valuing our children's opinions. We say "I love you." Hug. Then, hold hands as we go off to plan a vacation together.
What
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Colver has since moved past his need for sun and sand (Thank God!) and is now obsessed with going to see Plymouth Rock. I am pretty sure he thinks it can talk, because he watched a Youtube video in which it could talk (makes sense). The Minister of Planning (me) has advised Colver that a Plymouth Rock Theme Road Trip Vacay is tentatively set for 2019, after Colorado in 2017 and Disney in 2018. The little turd argued that we should do Plymoth Rock before Disney.
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