THAT MOM

In middle school and high school, crammed into close quarters, surrounded by the same people year after year, a social pecking order emerged; I was at the bottom of it. But that girl...


That girl...She was confident. And beautiful. Her hair. Her nails. Her clothes. She always seemed to know what to say. Conversation, friendship, and it seemed, existence came easy for her. She was popular. Surrounded by friends. She had things together. That teenage thing wasn't a struggle for her. You knew her. I knew her. Everyone knew her! I often wondered growing up if she knew. Did she know how much we all wanted to be like her?

Hollywood made movies about that girl. Sometimes she was mean and built herself up at the expense of others. Sometimes she was kind and would take pity on a poor lost soul, like myself, helping her become just like that girl.  I suppose somewhere between "You don't need to want to be like 'That Girl' because she's a horrible person and you are better than her because you have a heart." and "Here, wear this crop top and eye liner and use cute slang and Poof! You can be popular too!" was Hollywood's good intention to empower a generation of young woman searching for acceptance...or not. Either way their mixed messages failed to inspire but made plenty of $$$$$$$$ at the box office.

In all honestly, I don't remember that girl being mean. Funny thing what not being 16 will do for your perspective. Sure, that girl never sought out my friendship, but I never sought out hers. I was far too intimidated and awkward. Our non-friendship was mutual, albeit subconscious, at the time. My adult self knows that girl was just better at hiding what all teenagers experience...adolescence, an equally horrible experience for all.
That girl hasn't gone anywhere. She grew up. Got married. Had kids. You know her. I know her. She looks perfect. She is still the envy of the playground, but instead of running for homecoming queen, she is running the PTA. There she is with her friends posing for a photo in front of the Fall Festival Sign like the PTA is a greek sorority...Now days she is "That Mom."


Meanwhile, the machine of society is pumping out mixed messages that fuel the fires of self doubt. Pinterest, Facebook, Mommy Blogs set impossible standards. Like our 15 year old self staring at the page of Teen Magazine, we take it in and make a list of things we should be as mothers. Eat organic, buy local, co-sleep/cry it out, breast is best, get 8 plus hours of sleep, work a full time job, keep your house perfectly clean, cook a locally grown organic dinner, potty train at 6 months in 3 days, how to have a gifted child, how to get your children to eat vegetables and love it...and That Mom, she looks like she nailed it.

Here's a secret: All of that is bullshit! That Mom, just like That Girl, is a mirage. That Mom doesn't exist. That Mom is creation of our society's imagination, probably created to market me something. Here is another secret: When it comes to kids, you get what you get. They will be who they are and do what they want. In the long run, when they talk, when they walk, whether you breastfed or fed them an organic diet of whole grains and omega 3s is not going to make or break their existence. Here is another secret: If you have it all in one area of your life, then you are lacking in another. Your house will be clean and your house will be dirty. Sometimes it all organic, and other nights its chicken nuggets from the McDonald's drive thru. Sometimes you will pinterest fail and sometimes you will parent fail,  and none of this determines your worth as a person or a mother.

I think we can all agree, that no matter how it looked from the outside in, adolescence is kind to no one, and the struggles we face as mothers are no different. That Girl and I weren't that different in our youth, and That Mom and I aren't that different now. I grew up too. Got married. Had kids. I am still awkward and weird and really bad with conversation, but the insecurities of my youth faded into the self acceptance a long time ago. Age has brought with it extra pounds, as well as insight.

Honestly, motherhood is a greatest of equalizers. Pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, toddlers...All disgusting miracles that reduce us to hormonal lactating zombies with limited bladder control, longing for privacy as we bounce a crying baby in our lap while we go number #2. Motherhood is exhausting. Motherhood is humbling. It leaves us insecure, doubting our abilities and our decisions. It find us at our wits end, crying in the shower for a moment of peace. It stares at us in the mirror, the lines on our face and the stray grays proof of wisdom only years can teach and reminders this journey comes at the cost of ourself.

Moms, we are tasked with molding minds and hearts of the future, and the world has set impossible standards, but we must not continue to beat ourselves up when we don't measure up to That Mom. How do we expect children to live boldly with confidence and seek out their true identity and happiness if we constantly overwhelm ourselves with comparison.

No, I don't need to be like That Mom. To those tiny people who call me "Mom" I am simply Their Mom and that's exactly who they need me to be.


             

 Happy Mother's Day

-from

THEHOUSEJONES