Parent Fail 502 - The Snowflake Fleece

It was chilly that Sunday morning and I recommended to my oldest child, Colver, that wearing a jacket was "advisable", and by "advisable" I mean non-negotiable. I even made adhering to this edict easy by selecting a fashionable and venue appropriate fleece pullover, compete with a masculine snowflake print! ...Colver cringed.
Colver isn't your typical guy's guy, he is a sensitive soul, but he was not going to wear the snowflake fleece. No way! Not gonna happen! "People will think I am weird!" he said. (FINE. WHATEVER. Just pick out a jacket.) So he exercised his newly discovered right to "make his own decisions" (YAY! Thanks Kindergarten.), and he selected the rattiest ugliest most worn out non-matching red zip up athletic hoodie that we own. It was truly horrible!

Oh but it doesn't end here. Then, we go to church. Being my clone, he uses said hoodie as a form of social isolation chamber. Zipped completely up, hood over his head, and pulled down over his eyes (naturally), and hands shoved as deep as they can go in the pockets. (I mean really, he is SO me). While in God's house my child refuses to relent his protective gear, insisting it remain as he placed it throughout the service. Well, it happened to be Youth Sunday. Youth filled the choir loft, leading the congregation in a beautiful service. Colver then notices "B." "B" is a sweet pretty blond. (He has a weird thing for blonds. I really don't get it.) She is probably in 9th or 10th grade. She was one of his VBS teachers and he had fallen deep in love, proclaiming her to be his girlfriend (although she was never informed of this). After spotting her, Colver danced with glee, and then things got weird. His natural smile morphed into a bizarre and creepy grin that spread across his face from ear to ear, it reminded me of The Joker. I was truly unsettled. (Oh, it gets weirder.) He then leans over the balcony rail, eye fixed solely on "B", and growls. (Yes, you read that right. He growled!)  He stares at the sweet child and he doesn't blink. He doesn't flinch. He just kept staring at her, growling. My husband and I were mortified!  I tried my hardest to distract him as he stalker-stared his unrequited love, but he was in a trance.

At last, it was time for children's church. As Colver headed toward the sanctuary doors he was met by "L." "L" is also a kindergartner, she and Colver are in the same class at school. They are best friends, who are also engaged to married...as I have been informed. "L" danced sweetly down the aisle, pulling her betrothed behind her, his hands deeply fitted into his pockets, hood up, scowling down poor "B" who sat clueless in the choir loft. And he was worried people would think he was weird. OH! Why didn't I make him wear the snowflake fleece!