Parent Fail 510 - Salvation Made Easy

I recently began nightly bible story readings and prayers with Colver. I know, it's a major parent fail that I haven't started doing this before now. I have so many reasons, each of them equally lame. We can totes talk about that some other time, the point is I started...

I started attending a parent's round table at church focused on God centered parenting; basically raise 'em up right. Okay, so it's more complicated than that. It is a multi-faceted study, covering a myriad of topics and how to incorporate them into your family life to strengthen your parenting and submit yourself and your parenting to God's will. It is wonderful and they should totally do it again on a Sunday morning so I can make my husband go, because when I try to restate the profound biblical truth that was revealed to me he just stares back at me blankly. My preacher wife, who is leading the class, has a much more eloquent method of delivering the message.

SO I got all gung-ho on my Jesus parenting trip. I got Colver's Beginners Bible and got all snug in my bed with him and we started reading some bible stories. He picked the story about John the Baptist baptising Jesus. He was really into it! He was full was questions! (Hallelujah! My baby is going to Heaven!)

Not so fast. Ya'll know I screwed this up...

Mommy, what's getting baptized? *Colver puzzled. 

Well, Colver, once you get saved and you ask Jesus to live in your heart, you tell everyone about it by getting baptized. Like remember the little boy at church on Sunday that go baptized. They wore white and the preacher dipped him the water. When we get saved by Jesus you get baptized to show everyone you are born again. *The ship was already going down; right from the start.

Mom, I was already born. *Duh!* Why do I need to be saved? from bad guys?  

Well, when we again saved it like being born again, but as a Christian because we are saved from our sins.  Do you know what sin is? You know how sometimes you do bad things? 

Mom! I am good guy!*Colver adamantly.

Okay, yes. Yes, you are a good guy and mommy is a good guy, but sometimes the Devil comes and sits our shoulders and whispers bad things for us... *Colver interrupts me. Probably for the best since I was stumbling at this point.

If the Devil tries to sit on my shoulder I will just punch him in the face!*Colver, matter of factly. 

Ummm, Well its a metaphorical devil. He isn't really sitting there. See, like when mommy gets really upset and sometimes she yells at you and then she has to apologize for over-reacting. That's when the devil gets me. That's called a sin. Like maybe when mommy tells you to do something but you don't do it...That is called a sin and it makes us dirty. BUT if you believe in Jesus and you pray to God and tell him that and say you're sorry for your sins and ask Jesus to come live in your heart...*Colver cuts me off again.

Jesus already lives in my heart! *He is so sure. 

Well. Okay. Ummm. Hold that thought.  See God can't look at sin because it so bad so he sent Jesus to die on the cross and save us all from our sins and when we ask Jesus to come live in our hearts all our sins our washed only, like in a bath, only with Jesus's blood.*I knew as soon as I said it. 

UGH! GROSS! Jesus's Blood!!*Colver completely disgusted.

Yea. So.  Next time he has questions I am just going to send him to the preacher. At least the prayers have gone okay.

Dear God,
Thank you for my mommy and my daddy and my baby sister. I love them so much. And thank you that my baby sister has such a good big brother. (He was talking about himself here.) 

Dear God,
Thank you for my mommy and my daddy and my baby sister, and thank you for making my poppop from a little boy to an old man so I can cut his head off...not with a real sword, just a pretend one.  

Dear God,
Thank you for Santa Claus. (Is that it??)

Dear God,
Thank you for my mommy and my daddy and my baby sister and our house and our cars, and thank you for the earth and the sun and plants, and please take care of them and don't let the aliens get us. (Aliens!? I really have to stop watching sci fi around him.) And thank you for you and I want to be you. *turns to me* I want to be God.